Real Life Q&A
Sex
At what age is it okay to have sex?
Having sex before you’re married is just not a good idea. Many people say, “when you’re ready, you’ll know it,” but there are so many more things to think about than feeling ready for the physical part of sex. Many girls want to feel and be loved so they have sex hoping it will make a boy love them. Many boys just want to have sex. The goals and motivations can be very different, so sex outside of marriage can set you up for getting hurt or feeling rejected or remorseful. Your emotions are not necessarily trustworthy when you’re a teenager. Just because you “feel” you are ready doesn’t mean you really are.
In addition to the emotional risks, there are physical risks to having sex. A girl can get pregnant when she doesn’t mean to. Girls and boys can both get an STD that difficult to treat or impossible to cure.
All of these factors can have a big impact on your future. If you become a teen parent, will you be able to finish high school or go to college or get and keep a decent job while raising and being responsible for a child? What will your parents think? What will your friends think? Will you struggle with feelings of guilt, low self-esteem or sorrow over the loss of your goals and dreams?
What is dry sex?
Dry sex is sexually stimulating another person with clothes on. As a relationship progresses, kissing can lose its excitement, so a couple may move on to stimulating one another while keeping their clothes on (the idea is to prevent intercourse). Even though the activity may seem “safe,” the reality is that it’s moving the relationship closer to crossing the line into sexual intercourse.
What does it mean to be sexually active?
A person is sexually active when they participate in activities that stimulate the genitals, sexual organs and breasts. These activities may include touching, mutual masturbation, vaginal, oral and anal sex.
Is it normal for teens to have sex?
Despite what you might think, the majority of teens—especially young adolescents—are not having intercourse. Some may be experimenting with sexual contact, but penetrative sex is not as common as most people think. Studies have found that more than 50% of all high school teenagers are virgins. While most teenagers have gone through puberty and are capable of sexual intercourse, being sexually active is still not considered the desired norm. In a national survey conducted by Nickelodeon and the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, the majority of teens and adults indicated it was important for teens to be given a strong message from society that they should not have sex until they are at least out of high school.
Promiscuity
What is promiscuous behavior? Is there anything wrong with it?Webster’s defines promiscuous as indiscriminate. Another definition for promiscuous is having more than one sexual partner. Today, being promiscuous suggests that one has or has had multiple sexual partners. The more sexual partners you have, the more you’re at risk for getting an STD. Being promiscuous also increases your chances of getting pregnant (or getting someone pregnant). STD infections and pregnancies can be a result of your very first sexual experience. In addition to the physical consequences, there are number of emotional consequences that can result from having sex.
Peer Pressure
I don’t want to have sex now, but I feel pressured to do so. How can I deal with this?
You might be feeling pressured because some of your friends are sexually active. Or you might feel pressure from the person you’re dating. Resisting peer pressure can be hard, but there are some things (like smoking, drugs, alcohol and sex) that are worth drawing a line in the sand and resisting because they can have such a negative impact on your future health, hope, and happiness. It’s important to carefully choose friends who share your values and will encourage you. It’s much easier to resist peer pressure when you have friends that will stand with you. The right friends can help keep you out of trouble, but the wrong friends, over time, will very likely entice you to join them in unhealthy risk behaviors such as sex, smoking, drugs, and alcohol.
For guys, if you’re being pressured by your girlfriend to have sex, then she does not have your best interest at heart. She is looking to gratify her own desires for intimacy.
For girls, if your boyfriend is more than two years older than you, you’re at a disadvantage in being pressured to have sex. Most teenage girls become pregnant by men who are older than them. If you have an older boyfriend that’s pressuring you to have sex, and if sex occurs, it’s actually a crime in many states. The best way to handle the pressure to have sex from an older man is to get out of the relationship as soon as possible for the sake of your own health and well being. For boys, it may also be a crime for older women to have sex with you.
If you’re dating or hanging out someone your age and feel pressured to have sex, you need to make it clear that you do not want to have sex. If your wish is not respected and you continue to feel pressured, you should end the relationship.
There are many ways to avoid putting yourself in a tempting situation. Group dating actually relieves a lot of the pressure. You can also avoid temptation by spending time with your family and friends. Avoid being home alone with your boyfriend and do not watching sexually suggestive movies together. It’s very important that you’re able to talk about your decisions to remain abstinent with a friend, parent or trusted adult.
If you discover that most of the friends in your inner circle are sexually active, find some new friends with similar values as yours.
Is it true that hardly any girls go to college without having had sex?
This is not true at all. More than 50% of high school girls (grades 9-12) have never had sex. It’s a myth that “everybody is doing it.” Surveys have repeatedly found that teens think more of their peers are sexually active than actually are. Sexual activity, especially with guys, tends to be exaggerated. Surveys also show that the majority of sexually experienced high school students wish they had waited longer to engage in sex.
Virginity
Why should I remain a virgin?
There are a lot of good reasons to abstain from sex.
1) You could get pregnant or father a pregnancy.
2) STDs are rampant and are at epidemic levels in this country. Most STDs occur in teenagers and young adults.
3) Abstinence is the best method of preventing pregnancy and STD infection—condoms and birth control aren’t nearly as effective.
4) Some sexually transmitted diseases (particularly pelvic inflammatory disease from chlamydia or gonorrhea) can cause infertility by scarring the fallopian tubes. This means that later in life when a woman wants to get pregnant it may be impossible because of the damage caused by an STD.
5) One sexually transmitted infection, human papillomavirus virus (HPV), can lead to cancer of the cervix.
6) Emotional “baggage” often comes along with having sex as a teen. Who needs it…now or later?
7) Sex does not enhance a teenage relationship. It actually often accelerates the breakup of a relationship.
Two-thirds of teenagers who have already had sex say they wished that they had waited longer.
9) Having “casual” sex can affect your marriage relationship later in life.
10) Many teens—especially girls—don’t feel good about themselves after engaging in sexual activity.
11) Sexually active teens are more likely to experience depression.
12) Sexually active teens are more likely to drink, smoke and use drugs.
13) Having sex can affect your reputation.
14) Having sex can hurt your relationship with your parents.
15) For teens who are spiritual, having sex usually is a roadblock to a vibrant spiritual journey.
If these reasons aren’t convincing enough then talk to a friend who has been sexually active and ask if they would have waited longer if they could do it over again. The majority of teens surveyed said they wish they’d have waited longer.
Date Rape
What is date rape?
Date rape is being forced to have sex against your will while being on a date or in a dating relationship.
How can a girl avoid date rape?
There are several ways a girl can protect herself:
• Limit your dates to group dates
• Don’t date anyone you or your friends don’t know very well.
• Don’t drink. Many teenage girls report that their first sexual experience was associated with alcohol consumption. Alcohol dulls your senses and lowers your inhibitions. You’ll be more likely to do things under the influence of alcohol that you would not normally do.
• Don’t use drugs. Being high lowers your inhibitions and makes you more likely to be taken advantage of.
• Be careful with your drinks at parties and other places—only drink from unopened cans and never set your drink down unless you’ve finished it. This will reduce the opportunities for a person to slip a “date rape” drug (such as rohypnol) into your drink without your knowledge.
• Never leave a party with someone you don’t know or just met. Always have money with you on a date in case you need to go home by yourself.
• Carry a cell phone.
Pornography
The definition of pornography: Sexually explicit pictures, writing or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal.
What’s wrong with using pornography?
Pornography devalues sex and it can be very seductive and addictive. Exposure to pornography can lead to unrealistic sexual expectations later in life. Viewing pornography detaches you from the “real world” and real relationships. Boys who routinely use pornography often find themselves needing increasingly more hard-core pornography to become sexually stimulated. Pornography is harmful to single men, but it’s a marriage killer for married couples. Pornography destroys a person’s ability to be sexually satisfied by his or her spouse by placing that real person in an unfair competition with a fabricated fantasy.
Sexual Compatibility
Is there a way to tell if a person has been sexually active?
You can’t tell by looking at a guy’s penis if he’s ever had sex (unless you happen to see lesions, sores or penile discharge that are generally associated with STDs). Women have a covering to the vagina called a hymen. When a woman has sex for the first time, the hymen is torn or broken away. It’s difficult, however, even for a physician to determine if a female is a virgin or has had a very limited number of sexual contacts. Many virginal girls’ hymens are torn by repeated use of tampons.
How do you know if you’re sexually compatible with another person?
Despite what some may claim, this is not a legitimate physical issue. Sometimes this concept is claimed when a person is putting pressure on another person for sex within a relationship (“We have to find out if we’re sexually compatible”). It’s more important to develop a relationship with a person you’re genuinely interested in (as opposed to “sexual compatibility”).
Getting to know the other person by talking about their goals, dreams and desires, and also letting them get to know you are a far more important indicator of compatibility. The important thing is that the relationship is healthy. Sexual problems or sexual dysfunction are often the result of past sexual abuse or sexual promiscuity, and they can be solved by counseling and time (not by “trying it on for size).” In addition, it may be very painful the first few times a woman has sex.
Secondary Virginity
Since I’m no longer a virgin, does it even matter what I do anymore?
It does matter. For girls, sex has many emotional ties. Sex before marriage puts tremendous pressure on girls and guys (physically, emotionally and spiritually). Ceasing from participating in sexual activity until marriage from this day forward is called “secondary virginity.” You can’t undo what’s been done, but you can make a healthy change. You can make a conscious decision to refrain from sexual activity and it can benefit you tremendously still.
